What once was, but never will be again...

Something you loved so deeply and couldn't imagine living without.. The thought of ever losing them was too hard to fathom.. So you became fearful and it resulted in being a bit too protective... You didn't want to confine them, but you couldn't truly confide in them... They had hurt you various times before and you feared them walking out on you anytime you fought or would slip up and fall and they wouldn't be there to catch you, only to criticize and degrade, and I knew that my time was running out with you.. But I didn't want to submit to that premonition... You had displayed all the signs of future failure to me, yet I continued to hold on with every last bit of hope because I knew that if we both worked together we could make it through... You were still lost though, in a sea of despair. And I can relate to that because I've been in that dark place before... I tried so hard to save you, to save this; and I know it's not my responsibility, but I made it my priority. Because I love you and cherish you and value and appreciate everything you are and can be and your remarkable exceptional singular beauty. I want you and only you, because there's only one of you. And I want you to love yourself too because I think what's hurt me the most out of all of this is hearing you say that you hate yourself... And that's me being the naturally selfless person I am, the girl you bash and doubt so much; I'm the one who puts you before me and instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself and how you mistreated me, I continue to love and worry for you. And those nights I cry, I cry for you and the love we lost.. I cry because I feel like I failed and it's the worst fucking feeling when you let the one person you love down........ I should've payed more attention to that invisible clock that was ticking down; I should've acted quicker. But sometimes even if you put all the effort in that you can, life doesn't accommodate to you as quickly as you'd like it to. Sometimes it's the situations that you're in that can't be helped. So here I am with all of this potential, yet possibility is procrastinating on me. And I am partly to blame because of my tendency to get distracted and procrastinate. That is a demon I still need to destroy... We are all human in that sense though.. These things affect all of us... It's those that know how to handle it properly that rise above it... And that's what we needed to do. And that's what we were in the process of doing; you can't just disregard it because it was stagnating. You have to acknowledge that little progress is still progress.. We were taking baby steps, but we were still moving... And you blew up and blamed me for a lot of things; when the main culprit was yourself; the real discrepancy was your laziness and lack of dedication and perseverance. And those are vital essentials for success. But these are not ingrained qualities in you; it's not a permanent medical condition. The "differences" you labeled as irreconcilable were just things that needed to be dealt with better; you passing them off as irreconcilable only portrayed your laziness more. Because our fights and our ideas and goals and our protectiveness, those were things we had talked about and it was clear that we wanted to do what was right and we both are willing and capable. We always emphasized on focusing on reality and doing the right thing; the most effective thing; we wanted to reap the best rewards out of life. We just wanted to be happy.... And I know that with all this external shit aside that took a toll on our relationship because of the way we dealt with it and how we became protective of each other to a point where we made the other person feel restricted and we were sensitive of each other and it would cause more fights, with all of that aside I know that at the end of the day just being able to lay next to you in bed and hold you made me the happiest........... And that's what's truly important.... It makes me so sad because we were putting in effort and we wanted to do all of these wonderful things and we had all this potential and our love was fucking incredible.. And I had to watch it all wither away and die as I stood there with all the love and willingness possible yet there was nothing I could do because I can't do this without you... I guess it's just a life lesson that anything you ever love on this earth will someday be taken away from you. Happiness comes in small doses... Enjoy them. You don't know when one of them could be your last.... If I would've known the last time I kissed you and we made love would be our last, I would've made love to you so passionately... I would've left a lingering feeling of ecstasy so I would've had one last memory of euphoria to immerse myself in when I'm missing you.... Yet my last contact with you was a cold hug that I gave to you as you stood there limp and unresponsive; it was like hugging a dummy... I should've known by then how dead and gone you were to me... That last meeting was like the funeral to our relationship... However, although that bond is gone, this love will never die. You have that absolute in me and when you learn to appreciate and value, when you take off the blindfold completely, someday you will realize and regret.... And you will ask yourself, was this relationship really all that bad, or was it just me? After all, a relationship is only successful if you make it. And where there's a will there's a way. So before coming to the conclusion that you were ending this over "irreconcilable differences", stop living in denial and admit that it was just you that wasn't capable or willing to make anything successful... Reconciliation is within capability... Unfortunately, I don't think you are within reach.... And so I must let go and move on... Sometimes you have no choice in life....