Revelation

You know... After having all this time to think about it, I don't even want to be your friend anymore. Quite frankly because you don't deserve it. You don't deserve a lot of shit. You just deserve shit. I'm glad I'm able to say that now; it feels so fucking good you don't even know.... Don't get me wrong, I still love you (unfortunately). But I don't want to expend any more energy than that; that's already too much when I shouldn't be expending any energy on you at all. You ungrateful bitch. I hope someday you learn how to truly value and appreciate what you have/had. You're lucky about a lot of things; you're lucky I was even ever your girlfriend, you're lucky you were my first everything, you're lucky I trusted you, you're lucky I loved you to all fucking capacities and still continue to, you're lucky you had these absolutes in me, you're lucky I put up with so much shit, you're lucky I was willing to do what it took to save this, you're lucky I was willing to change for the better and put in all this effort, you're lucky I haven't unfriended your ass on Facebook where you can continue to keep tabs on me (a website you supposedly didn't use/like going on anymore). You're a lying piece of shit; you are unreliable. Just.. "So many things." It's rare to find someone who truly gives a shit about you and you had that and more and everything in me and I could've been the best for you, but you threw it all away. You really don't know how to value what you have, do you? You really aren't afraid to lose what you have because you take it for granted, don't you? You think you have me so secured. Even though you spit all this vile shit at me, you know deep down inside (no matter how much you pretend not to care), you know that I'll always be there because I'm your fucking absolute. And so you do this with that in mind and you are so prideful and cocky. And I hope you feel guilty about being a piece of shit. I hope it eats you up inside every day. They say you don't realize what you have until it's gone, well I honestly don't think you ever will because you're just that fucking ignorant. I mean, you didn't even really know who I was. I couldn't believe that after being with you for almost three damn years of my life, you were bashing me about all this shit and the person you thought I was and there were just so many misunderstandings. It was really sad that you didn't even really understand me. I am a very intelligent attentive person and I'm proud about that and I won't let some piece of shit who didn't even truly consider/analyze what I said to fucking label me as a stupid person with "terrible worldviews." How about you're the stupid one who has terrible interpretations and horrible communication skills therefore has no right to make an accusation like that and can't even be trusted with what you say because you're so unreliable and confused and blinded by your ignorance and just..... I'm not trying to pin the blame on anyone else, like you fucking do (you play the blame game, you blame me for how "miserable" your life was), but your parents are HUGE enablers. You said I was trying to get you to do telecommuting and all this shit when you had said you were interested in doing it yourself; no one was forcing you. You said you didn't even want to go back to college, you said a lot of shit. The ones that wanted you to do something specific was your parents, they're very traditional and wanted you to go to school and get a job the typical. What they didn't realize is that we weren't necessarily against that, we just wanted to try doing things differently. We even said that if we decided on a career that needed specific education/experience then we would go to school for it. And you misunderstood me on so many levels as did your parents because I never really truly sat down and talked to them and you and I would just end up fighting or something and even when we didn't, now I'm questioning whether you truly even payed attention to what I had to say or not because I'm starting to think you are just that ignorant that you either didn't really care or truly analyze anything (or both). Hence the fact that you say and do a lot of stupid shit. And your parents hated that I was so ambitious and had all these silly plans and ideas for my future. Your mom laughed at me when I tried talking to her about telecommuting that one time she was driving me home; her only response was: "No Daisy, Caroline needs to go back to school." So it really seemed that the ones trying to trap you and restrict you were your parents. We (on the other hand) wanted to be free from all of that, from society, from everyone. Because just conforming to society seems to be a dead end to me. And no that doesn't mean (I have to emphasize so that you don't misunderstand me, like you often did) that we can't go to school or get a job where we are commuting to a public workplace. It just means we want to waste as little fucking time and energy and money as possible. We want to be as efficient as possible. We want to find the ways around the system. We want to rise above all that shit. We want to be smart. We want to get the best out of life. And you know, you don't need to sit in a classroom to justify knowledge or experience; knowledge/education is not limited to school. There's so many other ways to learn things. College is the traditional way; it's also a requirement for some careers. So yes, in that aspect it's beneficial. It's the traditional way to learn, but surely not the most cost or time efficient. And that's what I was always trying to emphasize on and would be misunderstood and "Oh Daisy is so stubborn and she's so ambitious and she has terrible ideas she's just so silly, silly silly." I can't wait to prove you all wrong. You have me made out to be who I'm most definitely not so the silly ones here are you guys. I know what I am and what I'm not. And I've been told my whole life that I'm gifted and I'm different and even my teacher's would tell me parents "this girl is not like anyone else; this girl is special." I am very detail-oriented. I like to thoroughly analyze things. I like to find ways around things. And I take pride in that. And I'm not vain, because I put my loved ones in front of me. I have wanted to kill myself before because I felt hopeless and useless because of the situations I've encountered in life. If I didn't have my loved ones, I wouldn't want to live. I live for the ones I love; I live to please them because what is life if you've only got yourself? There's nothing to prove, there's nothing to experience other than solitude and loneliness. And majority of people can agree with that because humans are by nature co-dependent creatures no matter how independent they may be, they still rely on other people for many aspects of their lives that they may not even consider or think about in the grand scheme of things. But when you truly sit down and analyze, like I do, you will come to realize that without each other we would be nothing. So I don't hate humans, I'm rather dissapointed in them for being so ignorant and doing so many stupid things. I am a HUGE environmentalist/animal lover. I like to focus on reality and do the right thing. I have proper ideals and I keep an objective worldview/perspective (because that's what everyone should do). I want to be healthy, I want to reap the best rewards out of life. And because life is short, I want to waste as little time as possible. My intentions are good, what we had was fucking amazing...